


Farfelu House

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Edwardian Period, Multi, Supernatural Elements, Tricksters, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-01-13 06:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1216669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's an old mansion miles away from civilisation where, they say, the strangest things happen. Four eccentric aristocrats summon ghosts and monsters, warping time and space. Their children haunt the local woods with sugar and smiles. Some say the staff aren't even human.</p><p>They're nigh-constantly hiring cleaners, but most won't touch the dilapidated old place with a ten-foot broom. No cleaner brave enough to try has ever lasted more than a month.</p><p>Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you have just been accepted as the latest cleaner of Farfelu House.</p><p>(Essentially a mix of The Addams Family and Downton Abbey with a gallon of Homestuck poured in for good measure. Enjoy!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no idea where this idea came from. Seriously, I was just casually doing nothing in particular last night and then suddenly HEY WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF KARKAT WAS A CLEANER IN A COMPLETELY NUTTY EDWARDIAN-STYLE GREAT HOUSE. Then I wrote words and this came out. Yeah.
> 
> Disclaimer: I have never watched Downton Abbey.

This is the final stop. No bus goes any further -- you'll have to walk the last mile.

And yeah, there's no chance you're managing that before night falls. The sun's already setting, sending a sickly indigo-grey over the horizon that you can barely see over the gnarled tree branches. Did you just hear a fucking raven? This place couldn't be more stereotypical if it tried.

Whatever. No time to stop and admire the non-existent natural beauty. You've got a long walk ahead of you.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you have just been accepted as the latest cleaner of FARFELU HOUSE.

The advertisement for the job's been in the weekly paper every issue for six years straight. Sometimes people have taken them up on it, but nearly all of them have left before the week was up. One brave soul lasted just under a month and was transferred directly to a mental asylum on his resignation. Apparently he tasted like raspberry by the end of it. You don't want to know how they found that out.

Well, whatever's happened, you're the latest sucker to sign up. It's the only place that'll take you any more, what with your constant high temper, weird ashen skin and... other mutations... scaring off every other potential employer too much for them to take you on. That, and maybe there's some masochistically curious part of you that wants to see what the fuck could be going on in that place.

Too late to turn back. The bus is speeding away; the bony branches beckon you on. Like fuck you're going to give up now.

You tug your hood down, pull your coat tighter around yourself and put one foot in front of the other towards the weirdest place in the world.

Onwards you trudge.

***

Someone new is coming! A new one to join the fun, coming with the setting sun! Oh, so thrilling, exciting, so fun!

Your name is JANE EGBERT and you have never felt so PEACHY!

You are hand in hand with the most beautiful boy in the whole wide world, whose name is JAKE HARLEY and who loves you just as much as you love him! It's not all happy between you during the day, but during the night you can truly come alive!

Holding his other hand is your lovely lady friend ROXY LALONDE and holding her hand is DIRK STRIDER! She is super duper enthused up about everything, just as you are! He looks funny and grumpy but you know he loves it all within!

You are all the BEST OF FRIENDS and you have the most wonderful, magical time out in the forest every night! And tonight will be even more special, with your NEW SPECIAL GUEST!

You wonder who he is? You hear he's a he! You hope he's a handsome he, that will be fun! It was a she last time, and you had all kinds of fun with her! Such a shame she went away, but there's always a new one in the end!

The four of you fly through the shaved-ice sky, looking for your new friend! He might be hard to find in all the chocolate-branched trees, but you'll find him! And then the games can begin!

There he is.

You all swoop down as one, eager to greet your new friend!

He's trying to hide his face, but you can see he has funny red eyes like Dirk's daddy! Hee hee, he'll fit in instantly! You tell him that and his eyes go big and round like saucers full of sugar! He says something awfully naughty in return! Your friend Roxy giggles! Such a silly boy, she says! Such a silly boy!

What that silly boy needs, Roxy says, is a kiss right on the lips! Lots of love and care from you and your happy friends and he will get nice and fun and happy like you are! 

Hahaha, he's running away! He wants to play chase! Leading you on to adventure, Jake says! Follow the white rabbit!

Oh, he's not scurrying away down any rabbit holes any time soon! After him!

The chase is on!

***

"Six minutes and twelve seconds!"

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and you have just WON A BET.

"Damn you!" yells VRISKA SERKET, fellow maid and closest competitor for the Bitchiest Staff Member at Farfelu House award. She hands over an eighth of her weekly food ration cards, though not without putting on the poutiest face in her repertoire first.

"Wha-what the fuck is going on?" pants the newbie, only just recovering the ability to form coherent words after his ordeal. It's weird - he's all flushed from running and his blood is quite clearly a human red, yet his skin is so colourless it rivals yours and Vriska's. Not quite one of your kind, but maybe not quite human either...? "And stop staring at me!" Oh, right.

"You ran faster than the last cleaner, just like Toothy here said you would," Vriska mopes, still sour from her loss. You're almost regretting losing now - she'll be miserable until tomorrow at least.

But hey, you can never resist rubbing it in. "Ooh, I get a whole extra ounce of butter... Won't that be delicious, Vriska?"

"I can probably sneak some more from the kitchen," she shrugs.

No, you're not letting that stop you. "Just imagine it, Vriska! Golden butter dripping all over my lovely thick slices of toast tomorrow morning, while you're having to make do with what you've got le--"

"The next cleaner will run slower than this one," she taunts, wiggling her magic cue ball in front of your nose.

You shriek: "THAT'S CHEATING!" You're not letting her get away with that - you lift up the nearby hatstand and give her horns a good drubbing with it.

It's at this point that you both notice the new kid is gone.

Dropping the hatstand, you run after him, shouting: "HEY! New kid!" You catch up and fall into step, all casual and charm. "What's your name?"

"Who cares," he grumbles. "Where do I find Feferi Peixes? I'm meant to report to her."

"Up the stairs. Little door on the right, marked with a 12." And with that information, he's scurrying off. You call after him: "My name's Terezi, by the way!"

He doesn't seem to care.

***

You sure do have a tough job! Head servant in this madhouse, having to ensure everyone does their job correctly... it sure does drain you after a while! At least everything's done now, though.

Your name is FEFERI PEIXES, and you're just looking forward to curling up in your tank when a knock comes at the door.

Of course! You had a new little guppy coming along today, didn't you? This should be exciting! Even though it happens practically every week, you're always glad to see what each new cleaner brings along! Will he be enthusiastic? Will he be dedicated? Will he scrub and scrub at each patch of dirt until Farfelu House is sparkling clean?

As the door swings open, you are greeted by the sight of a scruffy boy, mid twenties, dressed in tattered trousers and a hooded coat covering almost his entire face.

You... force a smile. "Hello! You must be Karkat Vantas!"

"What do I have to do?" comes the muffled voice from within the hood.

Well, that's eager for a start. "Nothing much today, I just want to get you introduced to the rest of the staff and let you settle in!"

"Then get on with it."

You'll... reserve judgement on this boy until you see him in action. For now, you ring the bell to call the servants to the entrance hall.

Peeking over the banister, you see them line up one by one in a vague semblance of order. Clapping your hands loudly down at them, you shout: "Chop chop! We have a new member of staff here and I want to see you all on your best behaviour, please!"

Grumbling and mumbling, they all get into line and stand up straight. You go down the stairs and gesture to Karkat to do the same.

Knowing how short a time he's inevitably going to last, it might not be worth introducing him to his coworkers. But still, why not? Maybe he'll be the one that stays!

***

Once again, you are KARKAT VANTAS. Lined up before you are ten imbeciles.

"Name and role, you know the drill!" chirrups your overly cheery boss. "Let's start from Miss Megido then, shall we?"

On cue, a hollow voice starts up at the far end of the line: "Aradia Megido. Scullery maid." She looks the part, too: destitute, dejected, almost a dead woman walking. Which is good, because most of the other girls here seem to be either stupidly optimistic or downright psychopathic. You need someone to hate the world with.

"Tavros Nitram," comes a voice obviously not used to speaking in front of people. "Cook." Seriously? He's clinging to his crutches for dear life and looks as if he's about to faint. How can this guy run the whole kitchen?

"Sollux Captor, handyman." General apathy, slouch, disinterest in everything going on. Yep, your average handyman. Might turn out to be a decent guy, but you're not counting on it.

"Nepeta Leijon! Goverrrrness!" She rolls the r as if playing with a ball of wool. If she's governess, you think in horror, does she have to teach those demented kids? How the fuck does she manage to deal with them and still look so happy? Or maybe she's in on their terrifying shenanigans... yeah, you're going to stop thinking about this before you give yourself flashbacks.

"Kanaya Maryam. Seamstress and groundskeeper." Not a vowel out of place. Two jobs, inflated sense of her own importance, posh accent, pretty dress and fancy hairdo... yep, you've found the wannabe lady of the house. 

"Terezi Pyrope, chamber maid!" So that's what that freak does. You know for sure you're not letting her anywhere near your chamber, or she'll tie you to the bed or something. That grin will never stop creeping you out.

"Vriska Serket. Kitchen maid." Kitchen maid? With Tavros being who he is, it's more likely she's the actual cook. The way she seems to stare holes right through you with those freaky eyes of hers, you're glad your job won't send you anywhere near the kitchen.

"Equius Zahhak. Stable master." Are there even any stables here? You're not sure you saw any on the way, although you were too busy RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE at the time. You'd be surprised if any of the loopy aristocrats here actually rode horses at all. The guy seems to be taking it pretty seriously, though. Back straight as a pin, looking down on everyone. You prepare a dozen of your finest 'fuck yous' in advance.

"Gamzee motherfucking Makara..." And a shrug! What the fuck? This guy isn't even trying to look decent. Slouching all over the place, limbs practically spread-eagled, face smeared with white grease or whatever. No objection from anyone, either. How are they letting him get away with this?

"Eridan Ampora. Butler." Yeah, as if it wasn't obvious. He's even snootier than the horse guy. You're gonna have to be reporting to this guy a lot... and you're really not looking forward to it.

"And I, as you know, am Feferi Peixes! Housekeeper!" You really hope optimism isn't infectious. If you ever caught yourself feeling that bright about things, you'd probably jump off a cliff in horror. "Now introduce yourself!" Oh fuck...

"Uh." Good start, Karkat. Real good. "I'm Karkat Vantas, and I'm your new cleaner... as you probably know already..." Eleven pairs of eyes, all staring straight at you. "Yeah. That's me. Hi."

Awkward pause, then the housekeeper's manic grin widens. "Very good! Now go about your business, all of you! Mr. Vantas, your bedroom is the one marked with a 4 just down that corridor! Feel free to make yourself at home, as your duties will not begin until tomorrow!" And with that, she leaps back up the stairs.

Yeah, you're not talking to any one of these people. Not until you absolutely have to, that is. For now, you're going straight to your room... which is also because there's something you need to see.

Bedroom number 4 is modest to say the least, with little more than a bed and -- yes! A mirror! Dumping your bag on the ground, you position yourself in front of it. Down goes the hood, revealing just the tips... you tug your messy hair out of the way to get a full view, and there they are.

It wasn't easy living a human life when you had these. The few people who saw them in your childhood thought you were some kind of demon offspring -- that led to some tough times. You learnt to hide them as you got older. Still, people always wondered why you constantly wore hats or hoods, why you refused to take them off when asked, why you always kept the top of your head hidden on the few occasions when you had to go without headwear...

But here, every single one of the servants you've encountered has similar features to you. The grey skin. The orange-tinted eyes. And, of course, the horns. If they can keep their horns on display, then so can you.

You think that, for the first time in your life, you might actually be able to fit in.

And you're really not sure if that's a good thing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting this fic exists! I should stop forgetting this fic exists! I like this fic's existence!

The grounds are everything the grounds of a stately home should be. Rolling hills with the house perched at the very top extend downwards in tiers. Pristine hedges line the gardens, as finely clipped as the groundskeeper's accent. Flowers in full bloom cascade rainbow stripes down in two strips, surrounded by green grass so soft you could swear it was made of felt.

You are entirely sure none of this was here earlier. That, or you're as blind as the chamber maid.

The air is fresh and crisp with the scent of the flowers. Breathing in this pleasant atmosphere are two figures barely visible by the flowers. It's hard to make out who they are, but you can just tell that they're the groundskeeper and... that must be one of the ladies of the house. Together they stand, hands in each other's hands. Hang on, are they _kissing?_

"They make such a lovely couple," purrs a voice from beside you. You look down to see Nepeta Leijon perched on the grass, staring gooey-eyed at the women in the garden.

"Weird," you mutter.

She tilts her head, eyes narrowing ever-so-slightly: "How so?"

"Well, in case you haven't noticed... they're both women?"

The governess looks as if she's a highly advanced mathematician who's just been told that two and two make four.

"Um, yes? Sort of obvious..." Her slight confusion gives way to a full burst of feelings: "Oh, but you don't understand! Mrs. Lalonde was just so lonely after her husband had to go away, and Miss Maryam had always admired her so much... now she keeps her company and keeps her happy! It's purrrrfect, don't you see?"

Whatever. It's not like women kissing is the weirdest thing you've seen all day. And who are you to say what's normal and what's not? Grey skin, devil horns... plus you've got a history of falling for boys as well as girls, sometimes even hatefully instead of lovingly. Yeah, you've never been normal.

Besides, you're just the cleaner. Questioning those above you will only call your job security into question.

You're about to question the governess as to exactly how all these gardens turned up out of nowhere, but she's just continuing with her doe-eyed drivel... "Nothing should stand in the way of true love. Even if one's much older than the other, it's still love! Or even if they've just met..." Fuck, she's looking at you now. No, no, don't make eye contact! "Love at furst sight can be the strongest of all."

"I have to go clean things!" You make a run for it, leaving her all alone in the garden scratching her head in confusion.

"But your job doesn't start until tomorrow..."

***

Seeing the coast clear in the corridor, you decide now would be a good time to brave the upstairs. Hopefully you won't be ambushed by any dotty aristocrats on the way...

You've already passed a door adorned with "JADE HARLEY" in fancy lettering. There are weird crackling noises coming from behind it, followed by an excited squeal: "It worked!" Thankfully she's still in there, rather than bothering you out here. You think it's probably wisest if you don't investigate what's going on in there.

Onwards you tiptoe, past the "DAVID STRIDER" room (containing similar crackling and buzzing, as well as... music? You're not even sure if that _is_ music, you've never heard anything like it before), past "ROSE LALONDE" (there seem to be black tendrils leaking out from behind the door... you're _really_ glad the chamber maid deals with the bedrooms, not you) and you're just about to pass "JOHN EGBERT" when--

"OW!" you cry. As first meetings with one of your new bosses go, door-in-the-face is probably among the worst.

The door closes and the man himself looks at you first in shock, then in contrition. "Oops! I am terribly sorry..." Yeah, apologise all you like, you've still got a bleeding nose thanks to him. "Would you like a tissue for that? So sorry..." Well, at least he actually cares for the servants. Most don't even acknowledge their existence.

"I-I'll be fine," you stammer, pinching your nose and trying to move on.

Before you can, though, he puts a hand on your shoulder: "Say..." His brow furrows; he looks deeply worried for a second. Yet then he just shakes his head and his face lights up: "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

You nod, though not without reluctance. It's not as if you can reject someone as high status as him.

A big grin spreads across his face. Back into his room he dashes, then re-emerges with a top hat in his hand. He shows you the opening: "Nothing inside! Completely empty! But watch, as I pull out... a live rabbit!" He dips his hand in and pulls out... a tattered piece of blood-stained furry animal skin. "Ah. Not so live, then. Oops!" You mentally repeat what is quickly becoming your mantra for this house: what the _fuck?_

Wailing noises and a wavering spectre beckon him back into his chamber.

"Uh-oh... Goodbye!" And with that he darts back in, slamming the door.

Immediately afterwards, you're faced with the other man of the house striding straight towards you. This one, fortunately, seems relatively uninterested in you. He's too fixated on some weird metal device, about the size of his palm, showing bright images on a flat surface. You hear him mumbling to himself as he gets closer: "Why is there no fucking signal in the early twentieth century?"

"The fuck is that thing?" you ask, almost involuntarily. You only catch yourself afterwards -- many households would have you fired for talking like that to a superior!

Luckily for you, he doesn't seem to care. "An anachronism," he mutters, budging past you without missing a step in his slouched shuffle.

***

The drawing room is empty of people, save the butler painting a miniature statue of a wizard -- which he quickly hides in a closet on your arrival.

"What do you want," he snarls, more accusing than asking. He pronounces the words with a weird wobble on the Ws.

"I'm just looking around!"

He doesn't seem to accept that explanation, his glare following you around the room as you explore. He's like a dead fish mounted on a wall, stilled eyes constantly staring. Even with the fins to complete the picture... you're glad your mutations don't include those.

You're not quite sure exactly what he's looking at you for. Is he angry that you're intruding on his personal space? Well then, you've got some news for him: drawing room's meant to be for everyone, rather than being his personal palace. You get the feeling it's not that, though. Feeling his gaze run all over your body, it dawns on you that this is for something very different indeed.

 _What is it with people here being attracted to you?!_ The governess, the chamber maid (although you're only ninety nine percent sure), now even the butler... soon you'll have swarms of people signing up to be your personal concubines. And you'd really rather _they_ didn't.

Yeah, you're not going to stand around being ogled all day. You're out of here. Let him play with his wizards again.

***

You don't actually need to look in the kitchen -- it's not as if you'll need to be going there for your job. But you're just killing time now. May as well snoop around there as well. 

That said, you're not sure you want to go anywhere near a certain member of the kitchen staff...

Wary, you peer through the crack of the doorway. And there she is, chopping carrots with a dangerously sharp knife. The cook hobbles over to her every now and then to collect the fruits (or rather vegetables) of her labour, usually being greeted by a short shove on the shoulder as he does so. The scullery maid, scouring the floors, glares up at her with an anget you hadn't expected from her lifeless introduction. Did the kitchen maid just kick her?

Yeah, you want to stay as far as as possible from this. Slowly, gently, you let the ajar door fall closed--

It creaks. You freeze.

"Are you going to wait out there or come in?" comes the kitchen maid's brash voice from within. 

Fuck. 

You nudge the door open just enough to slip through and stand awkwardly by the doorway.

"I'm Vriska Serket! But that's Miss Serket to you," the kitchen maid boasts, as if being her is some monumental achievement. The other two don't seem to think so: the cook slouches on his crutches looking resentful; the scullery maid continues her glare.

"And you're Mr. Nitram and Miss Megido, right?" you address the other two.

"Yeah," Miss Serket -- no, you'll call her Vriska, you're not playing her games -- dismisses them before they get a chance to speak. "Anyway, we're in charge of your food. Better behave well if you want to eat!"

She races to the counter and grabs a small envelope, pushing it into your hands. "Weekly food ration! You give us the cards for what you want in your meal, we make it for you. You get less cards if you do something wrong. For example, I confiscated one of your butter cards for loitering outside the door!" God, that smirk irritates you. "I hope you learnt your lesson. You'll soon see what has to be done around here."

Forget the housekeeper. This girl runs the house, and you doubt she'll let you forget it.

With nothing more to say, you promptly get out of there -- only to be greeted outside the door by the chamber maid.

Now she pushes something into your hands. You look: it's a ration card for butter. It must be the one she won in the bet earlier.

"Didn't realise she'd take one from you," she whispers. "Sorry."

Then she slips away.

***

The great hall is your last port of call. You wonder how you could have missed this place. Marble floors, vaulted ceilings...

... and a disgruntled handyman fixing one of the chandeliers. 

"Fuckin' kids were swinging on this earlier," you hear him grumbling from up on his ladder. "I keep telling them not to, and they take as much notice of me as they would take notice of a... well, as they take notice of anyone giving them good fuckin' advice for once. God, it's still encrusted with sugar too. I deserve to be man of the house, the amount of shit I put up with."

You guess this guy's okay. Hates everything as much as you do, and definitely isn't in league with those creepy fucking children. That said, there's only so much grumbling you can put up with that isn't your own.

Just then, the ladder he's standing on is knocked to the floor. Without thinking, you rush forward to catch him as he falls--

What the hell? He's hovering up there still, suspended by nothing but surrounded by crackling red and blue lights. "Heh," he laughs down at you.

You've had enough of this crazy place. 

***

Last resort: locking yourself away in your room. It actually gets you some peace and quiet... for a few minutes at a time. Of course, it doesn't stop them constantly knocking on your door.

The first was the kitchen maid, collecting your food cards for the servants' dinner. That was a reasonable enough excuse to see you, but was it really necessary for her to criticise your messy room at the same time? You've just got here! You'll sort your shit out. Eventually. 

The second was gangly Gamzee Makara with the greasy face and vacant expression, who appeared to have interrupted you for the sole purpose of staring blankly at you. He said exactly two words to you during this uncomfortable staring contest. Those words were: "Bitchtits, motherfucker." Then you slammed the door in his face.

The third was the snooty stable master. Apparently, he wanted to introduce himself formally, as he hadn't seen you since the induction. This formal introduction appeared to consist of him knocking so hard he punched through your door. This is quickly fixed by the handyman, for whom this is apparently a regular occurrence -- he has to keep a constant supply of spare doors on hand for exactly this purpose. You share a look with him while he's fixing your door: it's a look of absolute disgust at the world in general. You're getting on great already. 

Lying back on your bed, you recall Mrs. Peixes' words from earlier. "Make yourself at home..." Was this meant to help you settle in? Ha! All it's done is unsettle you.

This place is sheer madness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus content: a rough plan of Farfelu House itself! [Ground floor](http://i.imgur.com/zA1Lu2V.png), [first floor](http://i.imgur.com/Iu7yBUe.png) and [the "grounds"](http://i.imgur.com/mN07cKF.png). As you can see, the visual appearance of the "grounds" is clearly unrelated to anything in Homestuck whatsoever. Any resemblance you might think you can spot is obviously a product of your overimaginative mind.


End file.
